Ok, well I ended up spending 14 hours in the office yesterday, coz Dawn was there and I agreed to stay at her place for the night. It blows my mind that I pretty much met her yesterday, and she had me over in her house, and to STAY. Didn’t she see the chainsaw and axe in my backpack?
Yes, I am changing all the names to protect the innocent.
Anyway, she’s a load of fun but I know she’s not into me coz she spent so much time on the computer, on the phone, and with the woman who lives in the next apartment. So I was reading my AA literature like the good sponsee I am, and feeling a little um, lonely, or something.
When I got outa bed in the morning it was around 9:30 a.m., and that’s not like me; yesterday I was up at 5:15 a.m. So we both got our showers in, and in her words “you got that right you are not going to be joining me”. LOL.
Her place looks like Kosovo. Yup, even worse than my best friend’s sponsees. Even worse than my first sponsor’s. Wait. no… it wasn’t. I could actually walk two successive steps mostly without breaking anything.
So that went well. Even in the morning we were still flirting. Well I was flirting, and she was laughing. Not at me. WITH ME!
So last night I was deciding, that’s it… I can never again even VISIT someone who has a cat and who smokes. I’ll call it self-care. I was trying to breathe last night at 10pm, and I had to close the bedroom door so that little fricking “world’s most assertiive cat” wouldn’t come in and clog my nose. I swear I wanted to de-furr him, but I thought that I’d save that till later.
So at 11:30, she drove me to the transit station, and I hopped a bus to the meeting that I expected to meet my new roomie Sally.
Ok, I’m gonna hafta get my names straight. It just took me about five minutes to see what her name was.
(In chronological order, in which they kinda came into my life, I think:)
- AJ: (living in my car; usually Ottawa Centre-ish). That’s me!!!
- Janet: (Rockland, east of Ottawa) My best friend. Love her, will meet her in heaven, from whence we came from together.
- Agatha (Ottawa) A strikingly attractive woman who is very articulate, well liked, has a good job, and is struggling with depression. She has over ten years of sobriety. I kinda always had a itty-bitty crush on her. Ya, me and a thousand other men.
- Donna (Orleans Ontario): My friend who has just had radiation for cancer, and just went home after a month. I’ve known her for almost five years, and I camped with her June 2007 at an AA weekend. She’s been on my list of best friends a few times.
- Ellen: (Ottawa Centre): My new roommate. She’s got just a few years of sobriety less than me, and she’s got a few problems too… OK a lot of problems… but she’s an excellent friend. One of my top five friendies.
- John: (Ottawa Centre): my sponsor. Has made money playing music. Works at home now; I don’t know him; he’s been my sponsor for just a few weeks; I’m starting the steps again.
- Sally: (Ottawa East): my friend of three years who I met on her first day in AA three years ago. She relapsed this past year, and is a newcomer again. She’s on my top five friends.
- Cindy T: (Ottawa East) Girl in AA who seemed to like me waaaay too much for a newcomer. She’s impossible to describe; form your own opinion.
- Carol: a chick who was in AA a very long time and after 7 years decided to be my friend. Problem was I fell in love with her, and she was just trying to expand her group of friends. Ooooh the dissapointments and losses this year (pour me, poor me).
- Trina (Ottawa North (across river on French side) : some girl in my depression support group who has a v. nice bum. LOL.
- Dawn: (Ottawa West): a very cute girl that I met on May 31st for the first time. She has 2 years of sobriety but knows AA well. Does it? Um, well um. (LOL).
Yup they are all chicks. I don’t like men v. much. Problem with that? (I mean U, not me).
Oh crap it’s 7:15. I gotta do an AA um, service meeting. Ok the district meeting. I wanted to be secretary for the district, and I wrote an email to the DCM implying as much, but he kinda said that calls for nominations are to be made in the fall. He needs one now!!!!
Ok, so I got to the noon meeting downtown in order to possibly meet up with Ellen (new roomie). She was not there. I later checked email, and in it she said YES IT’S GONNA BE ANOTHER NITE of me being homeless.
Crapppppp!!!! I don’t know where to stay tonite. I don’t wanna ever tent it on her back deck. I’ll let my HP decide. Mebbe my friend Carol will be at the District meeting will take me in; she’s got a honkin’ big house.
It’s raining like hell now and I got out of the District meeting, and I did talk to Carol, and it was nice to see her. I wonder if she knows that when I’m talking to her I’m starting to think naughty thoughts… yes even when she clearly doesn’t have an interest in me. Yup, I’m a sick man, sick in a self-destructive way, not only sick like a normal male pervert. So she said “we’ll talk”. Then later “but not tonight”. I don’t know what we’ll talk means, in retrospect. It was raining like a bastard, so she had to run to her car and we couldn’t talk much, coz it was outside after the meeting.
I did tell her that I’d been homeless for four days, and tonight will be the fifth. Maybe she meant that “we’ll talk about you moving in, since your future roommate doesn’t seem to be too promising”.
However she said it just after I was talking about the night I was driving to New Brunswick, decided to stop in Russell to sleep in the car, got stopped by a cop (story later), and ended up sleeping in my tent that I bought at the Salvation Army six months ago and never opened. Maybe after telling her that that was the night I hit bottom, and told her I was psychotic, she was kinda saying “you need someone to talk to and I’m making myself available to talk”. I dunno. But like an Alkie, I’m spending too much mental energy on this.
So here’s the Cops story. I was driving aimlessly in Russell. Yes aimlessly. I didn’t know what I was really doing there; coz I wasn’t thrilled about spending the night in the car beside all my life’s belongings. So I pass by…
oh wait, I wrote this information in an email to Ellen
[…] Usually my mind goes into crisis mode after not taking medications as prescribed but I’d been back on Ciprolex for 10 days.
I’m not convinced of its efficacy (the antidepressant), and I’m becoming more scared and concerned, especially in light of Agatha not doing so well, as I seem to be believing, whether it’s true or not.
So, that’s all to say that I’m a nutbar,so I’m deciding that a geographical would be a good idea. Good thing Sally tossed out all my (no longer prescribed) pills, coz I woulda taken them all last night, given half a chance.
So I was driving to NB, but decided that I’d not have the support there I needed, so I mizewell stop just about anywhere. So I drove around Russell, then Embrun, then St. Albert looking for a place to park and sleep (in the car).
But when I parked, I decided to try my never before opened tent, and since I had everything I owned in the car, I had blankies, and it turned out well, though a little scary, coz I don’t know about wild animals and such in St. Albert. I know they have lots of cows tho, coz of the cheese.
Had a good sleep in the tent, nice to be outa the city.
Janet gave me a sketch of a map of a place [near the] Ottawa River, that I can plunk my tent, so that’s tonite’s plan. I was planning on plunkin my tent at the new location in the back yard, but I’d choose country tenting over city tenting, I spose.
I met with John my sponsor at 2pm after a supportive lunch bunch meeting and I’m sharing a little more of my predicament, after having not said anything due to the shame of not having been well prepared, and not being responsible for my own welfare.
On the 2nd I was convinced I should be in a hospital, and I probably should have been, but I don’t know how given my own abilities to do it.. I don’t think anyone could possibly understand that I don’t know how. I don’t really care what people understand, I’m getting used to feeling like a freakzoid, outsider, observer, non-participant, alien, lazy and unwilling.
So, I left out the part about the police stopping me coz at 1am in Russell, coz they saw a guy turning around on the street, with a car full of stuff, and I spose they thought that mite be worth investigating. Anyhoo they checked my license, and apparently I’m a licensed driver with a right to drive legally, so they left after me telling them some bullshit story that I’m going to Cindy T’s place on what I remember to be Bell Street, when I know darn well she doesn’t live there anymore. They bought that I didn’t know the address, and they formed their own opinion that I was going there to spend the nite coz my house wansn’t ready, so I let them believe that. I made sure they didn’t see my eyes, coz they woulda taken me off the road for driving while psychotic.